Photo credit: Robert Gaudet
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so sick of picking up an exhausting amount of energy from everywhere I go. I feel myself filled up with energy that feels so heavy, angry, irritated, stressful, and exhausting. Every week I find myself becoming more and more exhausted as Friday approaches. By Friday I feel like I could just crawl in a hole and never come out, I sit on the train home and wonder if I will be able to make it to my bed or if I should stay on the train until Monday when its time to return to work. I get so frustrated by this because its not like my job these days is particularly stressful, or that I’m working crazy hours - I am sitting at a desk all day and this is SO exhausting. But desk work is exhausting isn’t it? Sedentary life does makes people tired. But how then can other people survive this? How can other people in the corporate world go out on Fridays and be social? How come all I want to do on Friday is sleep for 100 years? Why should I be any different than them?
Today I waited for my partner downtown for 1 hour to go to a birthday dinner. I waited for him because I didn’t even have enough energy to muster up the courage to go into a dinner with people I didn’t know particularly very well but have met a few times. These people are wonderful, but I needed him as my buffer, I couldn’t hold a conversation with anyone today. On top of this the thought of having to put myself out there was too much. What if I said something stupid? What if I didn’t say anything at all? What if I fell asleep at the table!? As I became annoyed at the fact that I had been waiting for an hour, annoyed that I again was putting myself last, and angry that I didn’t listen to my original gut instinct to go home, I watched person after person walk to a bar on the upper level I felt jealousy for their energy levels. I thought "Oh to have the energy to socialize, to have the energy to look good, dress well and put on all that makeup. To not be sensitive to the harsh energies of bars or the drunk people around them. To be able to handle liquor at all." Which lead to me into a spiral of thought. Sometimes I think that being “asleep” or non empathic is a gift. I’m not saying that all people who go to bars are not awake, but people in general are asleep, humans enjoy their science and believing in only what they can see. Being asleep is a way for people to live a life filled with third dimensional pleasures and no knowledge of the entities that are attaching to them every sip of vodka they take.
I stepped back from myself as I had these thoughts and observed; I don’t envy those people, in fact I am so grateful that I am awake and that I don’t enjoy going to the bar anymore. This life for me was very empty, and now I have this gift of being connected to the universe and that is all I needed, really. I know why I am exhausted every week and why I am going through what I am going through, why I cant go to bars. I am evolving so quickly and my intuitive gifts are becoming very strong. I can feel when people are dumping on me, and I can feel the energy shifting at my work. I am in a job that does not fit in alignment with my soul, but I am learning valuable lessons and skills there. I feel like this to push myself, to learn how to process massive amounts of energy and transmute them to something… nicer. Growth is rarely comfortable. I need to use the tools at my disposal so I have the ability to view these times as gifts.
As humans we tend to reach a breaking point at times in our lives where we are feeling stretched. We go into complaint mode, or have a few pity parties but as soon as it passes we seem to forget the hard parts. The next time you have a pity party, step back and ask yourself, “why?”. Why are you reacting like this? What is making you feel this way? What could you do better for yourself? Once you face the uncomfortable truths, they will subside quicker, and you will see yourself changing into a stronger person. If you are feeling over worked or stretched, give yourself a time out. Its okay to spend a Friday night resting. Its great for the soul!
Peace, light and love to all!